Aashka sat in a pediatrician’s waiting room with her pounding head in her hands. She felt drained and stressed out after last night. She felt like that most nights after becoming a new mother, but she was rethinking if she could have done things differently the night before.
Her beautiful 2-month-old baby boy fussed and whined beside her in the car seat, wanting to be nursed. Again. Cheerful stuffed animals mounted on the wall grinned at her. A sheep, a pig, a horse, and a cow. She surely felt like a cow herself as she nursed her baby for the 5th time since morning. It was only 8 AM yet. Looked like baby Neel felt the tension in the air and wanted to be close to the only familiar heartbeat he knew.
Days and nights had been a blur since she became a new mom. Neither set of grandparents had been able to come and stay with them due to their work commitments. And so Aashka was hardly keeping her sanity amidst sleepless nights, endless diaper changes, and non-stop feedings. Exhaustion had been her constant companion in the past 3 months.
Sigh! Way more constant than her real companion, her husband Rishi.
Aashka looked at the other parents waiting in the room with her baby. She felt a surge of sadness to see doting fathers talking to and playing with their babies. She looked at the empty seat beside him. Rishi wasn’t with her. She thought she had gotten used to that by now, but it tugged at her heartstrings every single time.
Her eyes became teary for what seemed like the 100th time as she thought about the major argument. As Aashka had finally put the most active baby to bed for the night and had come downstairs, Rishi had shown up for the first time that day since morning. That had been the case for the last few weeks. But today felt different. Today felt like this would end.
Rishi was sitting on the sofa, a beer bottle in one hand and a six-pack on the coffee table. He was wearing a formal shirt with the first 2 buttons unbuttoned and the tie stuffed in his shirt pocket — the sign of yet another unsuccessful job interview.
“How. Dare. You. How dare you bring alcohol into my home!” stormed Aashka, rage-filled. She found herself grabbing the bottle and smashing it on the floor. The shattering of the glass pulled her out of the wrath and back to her senses.
“Aashka, what are you doing? Have you lost it?!” said Rishi, shocked by his wife’s behavior. But when he himself had changed so much, how could he expect his wife to be the same peaceful person?
Aashka observed Rishi’s silent tears, yet her anger overwhelmed her, preventing her from acknowledging his emotional distress. She had only seen Rishi cry once before — when he had proposed to her in their last year of college, drenched in monsoon rains and love. Her heart wanted to hug Rishi tight and say everything was okay, but her brain already had too much of this nonsense.
“Rishi, where have you been all day? I took care of Neel all alone. As usual. I haven’t eaten anything since….I don’t even remember.
I. Am. Exhausted. And you have hardly been there to help me in the last 2 months. I didn’t sign up to be a single mom, Rishi. I am tired of trying to talk to you about this. What the hell has gotten into you since our son was born?”
“Aashka, I …have been trying to explain the same thing to you again and again, but — ”
“Please spare it, Rishi. I have heard the same nonsense every single night. That getting laid off from your job on the day Neel was born has been hard for you. I get it. But you can’t just get out of the house all day long and come back at night with alcohol. I know you better than this, Rishi. This is not the father figure I want around my son.”
Aashka felt terrible saying this out loud to Rishi, who has always been a partner as solid as a rock to her since high school. But he had undergone a complete transformation since the birth of their newborn.
The couple’s life was hit by a storm the day Neel was born. Mix newborn parents’ struggles with a job layoff in a highly unstable market — a strong potion for stress and hence, fights.
“I have been trying to look for a job, Aashka. You know how poor the market is right now. Because of this pressure and the pressure of being the perfect dad — ”
“You know what, Rishi? You haven’t been the dad and partner that Neel and I need. Instead, you have just been causing so much anxiety in my life, and I do not need more of that right now. I need to be a strong mother for Neel. I…I have been thinking about us.”
Aashka took a deep breath, hoping her trembles would allow her to speak.
“What?!”, said Rishi, bracing himself for what was coming next.
“I think we both should take a break. Maybe you should spend a couple of days at your brother’s place. I need some space and I think it would be better for Neel.”
Tears rolled down Aashka’s cheeks as she said this. She brushed them off fiercely with the back of her hand. But things had just hit the ceiling. She had rehearsed this line so many times in the past few days, but couldn’t get to discussing it with her life partner, her best friend. When you suddenly stop respecting someone because of their actions, it’s hard to see them as you did before.
“Aash… please don’t do that”, Rishi said standing up and holding his wife by her shoulders. Listening to her pet name, Aashka’s heart melted like plastic on a candle.
Rishi had matching tears falling on his cheeks. If only their tears could speak, hers would speak a story of anger and disappointment, his of regret and self-hatred.
“You are my lifeboat. How do I get out of this hole without you?”, whispered Rishi.
“Rishi, I am struggling to nurture this little human. Our little human. And I am physically healing from a traumatic birth. You need to get your shit together. Please, I need a break.”
There was nothing else to say. Rishi turned around, momentarily paused at a photo of baby Neel by the coffee table, and then left the house.
Aashka was torn apart and conflicted. It had been 12 hours now to that moment as she sat with Neel for his monthly checkup, but she still struggled to collect herself.
“What have I done to my marriage?”, she thought, struggling to control her tears. “Maybe I overreacted?”
*********
“Baby Neel?”, a cooing voice brought her back. It was their turn to go in.
She looked up and saw Nurse Zahra giving her one of her wide sunshine smiles that always touched her eyes. Thank God for a familiar face, thought Aashka as she smiled back.
A plump Iranian woman in her late fifties, Nurse Zahra was one of the kindest, most genuine women Aashka had met. She was Neel’s nurse when he was born, and now met them during his monthly checkups. When she asked Aashka how things were going, it wasn’t just a rhetorical small-talk question. She listened as you mattered to her.
“Hello, baby Neel. How are you doing today? And you my beautiful mamma?” Neel immediately stopped fussing and gazed at Nurse Zahra affectionately. She had a unique way with babies.
“I am doing okay, Zahra. Thanks for brightening my day. Needed it.”
Zahra smiled. “Dad not here with Neel today? Everything okay?”
How does this sharp woman always sense something amiss in the first minute of their appointment? Aashka wished she could pour her heart out to her. She needed a friend to talk to. Someone who would understand the blazing conflict going on in her mind since yesterday and give her some advice.
“Are you okay, Aashka?”
Aashka nodded. She tried to explain without giving too much information about their break (up?). “Rishi couldn’t make it. We both are …still trying to find a routine in this crazy newborn parent life. But we will hopefully figure it out soon.”
Zahra looked at Aashka with empathy. She had dealt with way too many new parents in her career, so she knew what usually happened in the life movie of ‘And Then There Were Three’. Initially the new mom and dad enjoy the honeymoon phase with the baby, a new family replete with love. Everything is ‘Aww’ and ‘so cute’. But then the tiny human slowly makes his way between the mom and dad. Love gets replaced by exhaustion. ‘Aww’s get replaced by arguments. She had a hunch about why Rishi wasn’t with Aashka today.
But the doctor knocked on the door before the nurse could respond. The usual checkup and vaccines followed, which made Neel scream the place down. As Aashka hastily tried to calm him down and make the payment, Nurse Zahra came by to check on them. “He will be fine. Hopefully, the vaccines make him sleep a bit more”, she chuckled.
She had a pamphlet in her hand. “Read it after he calms down.” Aashka looked at her puzzled, but Neel’s fresh batch of screams made her stuff the pamphlet in her bag and bolt out of the clinic.
*****
The frazzled mom drove home in a haze, baby cries serving as her car stereo. The house was an absolute mess. Her tea from this morning sat cold on the kitchen counter. A big pile of unfolded clothes sat on the bedroom floor. Teethers and rattles were strewn all across the house. Burp clothes, a baby lounger, and a nursing pillow completely hid the sofa. The house was a definition of “Tell me you have a newborn without telling me you have a newborn — with no help”.
Neel was finally starting to get tired from all the crying. As soon as Aashka nursed him, he dozed off in her lap as if nothing had happened. Just like his dad, determined and tireless.
Rishi. She felt a pang of sadness. She missed him so much. His smile, his way of making every situation less serious, his way of pulling them both up from a challenge, his constant optimism towards life. Then what had happened to him since Neel was born? How did he suddenly change too much to be recognized?
She remembered the pamphlet that Nurse Zahra had given her. The magical woman’s eyes said that she somehow might have an answer to Aashka’s inner conflicts. With Neel sleeping in her lap, she dared not get up. With movements of a sloth, she reached into her purse and took out the folded piece of paper.
Her heart skipped a beat. The page was titled ‘New Dad Depression and How You Can Help’. It read, ‘Dads want to be part of the newborn experience, but often they feel as if they’re on the “outside”. Moms may not always realize they’re excluding dads from caring for the baby. Or they may be so caught up in bonding with the baby, they fail to recognize dad wants time with the little one, too.’
Her eyes followed line after line, and as she read the list of symptoms, a single tear fell on Neel’s pink cheeks. Aashka sobbed silently as bitter realization hit her.
This was it. Her poor partner was choking under the pressure of becoming a new dad. Talk about bad timing, because as Rishi was preparing himself to be the perfect father, he received sudden news of his company laying off 10k employees. And he was one of them. On the very day that his little family was formed. Wish babies could come into the world after checking market stability.
Despite this challenge, Rishi had tried so hard to be a good parent, but Aashka could not see it. She had failed them as a partner and failed to be his support. She had never asked Rishi how he felt, because she was so occupied trying to pass every day with Neel and was going through multiple stitches stubborn to heal.
But we are all humans, and we need support. We need love and care.
She reached over to her phone to check if Rishi had texted. Without a doubt, he had. ‘How are you, Aash? Sorry, I didn’t come to the doctor’s today because I didn’t want to overwhelm you. I know sorry isn’t enough, but I am extremely apologetic for my behavior so far. You are right, I need to pull myself together. It’s just …so hard doing that alone. We need to talk when you are ready. Please.
Is Neel doing okay? I miss you both.’
Aashka felt tired and emotionally drained, but she couldn’t wait any longer. She wiped away her tears and took a deep breath. The conflict in her mind had vanished. She just needed to take care of her little family as if they were both her babies. A strong mother spoke from inside of her. She managed to move Neel to the car seat and strapped him. Thank God for the shots acting as his sleeping potion.
*********
In 30 minutes, they were at Rishi’s younger brother Rajat’s house. Rishi rushed out of the house. “Aashka, is Neel okay? Are you okay?”, he shouted frantically.
“Hey hey, everything is fine.”
“Why are you…here then?”
“Rishi, I just realized what you must have been going through all this while. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Let’s go inside, Aash.”
While Uncle Rajat watched Neel, the new mom and dad talked it all out, sobbing, hugging, and even smiling. Aah Rishi still has that giddy effect over me, Aashka smiled.
“I messed up Aash. Things just kept piling up and before long, I told myself a story where I was a bad papa to Neel. Fatherhood has been the most responsible role I have played. But, I couldn’t even provide for my family financially.” Rishi expressed while Aashka held his hand firmly.
When did they last sit and talk about how they feel? They had ignored the most important pillar of relationship — communication, and look where that had led them.
Aashka said, “Rishi, while I grew Neel from a cell to a baby inside of me, then birthed him and continue to nurse him, I got my sweet time to become a mother mentally and physically. I am just realizing how shocking it is for all fathers to suddenly transform from a carefree, normal person …to a DAD in a minute.”
“Yes, it was intense. I put so much pressure on myself to be a good father and do everything perfectly. But I struggled to bathe him, put him to sleep, or console him when he cried. The stack of rejections from job interviews plummeted my self-confidence even more. I felt lonely and anxious and overwhelmed.” He whispered, “Maybe even… depressed.”
Aashka hugged him tightly. She couldn’t bear to hear this from her pillar of strength. But maybe this time, the roles had to swap. She had to be the one who pulled them up from this life challenge.
“Rishi, I am so sorry for not seeing what this new role was doing to you. I became so self-centered after becoming a mother. But now I have realized how vital our OG relationship should be. Our little guy is already teaching us life lessons. You are never alone, partner.”
***** 3 months later *****
Rishi and Aashka are sitting at a McDonald’s enjoying a vanilla cone, just like they did on their first date 5 years ago. It has become their little weekly ritual while Neel plays at home with his uncle. Every vanilla cone date, and the honest conversations that follow, is bringing them back and closer to each other. Today, they are celebrating two major achievements — Rishi accepting a new job offer, and Aashka starting an Etsy business selling her crafts!
Things are slowly getting back into place for the little family. Neel is a papa’s boy, and Aashka can already see how Rishi will be a superhero for Neel as he grows up. Rishi is a natural dad, and when he is with Neel, he is fully present. It warms her heart to see them together. She smiles as she wonders what their cute monster will decide to teach them next as he grows up. She hopes that even if they stumble along the way, they regain their footing just like this time.
“The greatest lessons of parenthood come from our children, as they inspire us to open our hearts and minds to endless possibilities.”
A place called Here... 